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Life Rules for Cats
Our cats are creatures of habit, creatures of the night, creatures of
comfort and creatures of delight. Just so that you'll understand yours, here are some
secrets to their inner minds.
Fashion: For lap-sitting or
rubbing against trousers, always select a fabric color which
goes well with your fur. For example, white-furred cats should go to
black wool clothing. The contrast is stunning.
Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates
cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish
'n Glop on your breath, so much the better. For a guest who exclaims,
"I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain.
Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. Once
the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about sugar
plums. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, and snow.
Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental carpet. If there
is no Oriental carpet, a throw rug will have to do.
Winter's Evening: If
one of your humans is sewing or writing,
and another one is idle, get irritatingly close to the busy one in case they need
any help. When your human is reading, get in close under the chin, between the eyes
and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
Dinner: When supervising cooking, sit just
behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby
stand a better chance of being tromped, then picked up and consoled.
Wrapping Packages: Birthdays and parties are a
time of great joy in giving. When your human is wrapping the party gifts,
jump up onto the table and lie down on the paper. Wrinkle it personally
so that it reflects your taste. Get the tape stuck in your hair at every
possible chance, and decorate your body with festive self-stick bows,and
then complain about them.
More Guests: Always accompany
guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything, just sit and stare. If you get locked outside the door, sit
and yowl and draw attention to the guest who is indisposed.
Tables: When walking over china on the table, be
prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow
me on the table when company is NOT here."
News: No news is good news, therefore you
are responsible for sitting squarely on the spot of newspaper
which your human is reading.
Memory: You've got none. It's always suppertime.
Computers: When your person is working on
important stuff on the computer, jump on the desk, step on the
keyboard with each paw and especially target the ENTER key.
Then relax on the top of the monitor with your tail hanging
down across the screen twitching periodically.
Laundry: Always lie on clean laundry, wherever
it is. If the bed feels good, it feels even better if there's laundry on it.
If a human is folding laundry on the table, be sure to supervise by climbing
on the piles. Choose the tallest pile (preferably the teenager's or husband's clothing),
and take a nap. You will be very tired from all of that supervising.
Studying: When your person is studying or
doing homework, attack the writing utensil they are using. When you catch it,
attempt to remove it from the person's hand by batting at it and chewing
on the end. If the person lays it down, bat it around until you knock it off
the desk and under some piece of heavy furniture.
Thou Shalt Not: Thou shalt not have other cats before me.
I am the ONE and only cat thou shalt revere. If you possesseth another cat, I shall
sulk in the closet, even AFTER it is departed, for at least a fortnight. Just so
that you understandeth the consequences of your sacrilege.
Harmonics: The best time to practice expanding one's
vocal range and power, is between 1 o'clock and 3 o'clock in the morning.
When performing for your human, wait until they are rested (eyes shut,
possibly slight snoring..), stand beside their right shoulder then go for it!
Ownership: When DOG is relaxing with YOUR
human, lure the dog away with your supreme cleverness (tail-wagging
in the dog's face, that is, or loud meows, etc) until the dog gets down
to chase you. Then, quickly jump up beside YOUR human, taking the place
of the dumb dog
Litterbox: Try to hold it until your owner finishes
cleaning out the litter box. Then use it. And of course, modesty dictates that you
get out of there as quickly as possible. Don't wait to cover anything up.
Hunting: Never kill anything (rats and mice
especially) until you have brought it in the house, showed your human,
and then just to remind them how much they need you, let it go and
pretend to have lost interest in it while it runs around the house.
Eating Rats: Never digest the tail. Always
keep it ready to vomit on your humans' best rug or chair just to prove
that you actually do more than sit around in the sun all day.
Water: Tastes BEST when it does not come from
the bowl. See for yourself! Try dunking your paws in the bowl and then
shaking them quickly. Immediately after, lick your paws because being
wet is NOT comfortable.
Water is especially delicious when it comes from any sink, shower, puddle, or glass
that your owner has forgotten. Also, when you want to get a REAL reaction from your
owner, dunk some soft, absorbent toys in the water bowl and then drag them onto any carpet.
Breakfast: You will not be fed unless your owner is
awake and out of bed.
Start by jumping into your owner's bed between 4:30 and 5:30 a.m. and
pace on his or her pillow. Get comfortable, next to his or her head, and
bump their face with your cold nose. When you hear annoyed moans, begin
tapping his or her face with your paw- don' t use your claws. If your owner
is REALLY SLOW in arising, lightly pull some hair with your teeth. Repeating
any combination of these actions will convince your owner that more sleep is
futile and they might as well just feed you.
Water Bowl: Never simply drink from a standing water bowl.
First place your paw in the bowl and drag in it short bursts through-out the
kitchen. This will effectively spill the most of the water onto the kitchen
floor. You and your human can enjoy this time together, as you drink what
little remains in the bowl and your human joins you on the floor...wiping
up the puddles you've created.
Shopping Bags #1 (with handles): As soon as the bag
is empty, rush inside, contemplate whatever's on your mind, all the while
making crumpling sounds against the paper walls. Then try to exit through
the handle. When the bag refuses to let you go, race through the house with
the handle stuck around your waist, dragging the bag behind you. Knock down
anything that gets in your path. Scream. If anyone tries to help, run away.
Eventually the handle will break and you'll be free.
Shopping Bags #2 (with handles): As soon as the bag is
empty, rush inside. Do not move. The game here is to let everyone think there's
nothing in the bag. When your housemate (human) tries to lift the 'empty' bag you
can spring from it and see how they react.
These aren't all the rules our cats live by. I'm sure your cat has taught you
a few too. Send us your cat's favorite tricks. Simply phrase them as rules
and e-mail them to us.